Her way of life
Amanda is an independent business woman at the top of her tree. She has never been married and has no children. She had put all her effort into her corporate career but became burned-out. She lost heart and was fed up with going back to an empty home and bed every night.
The sort of men she attracted
Men seemed to be afraid of her formidable character and powerful position. She only seemed to attract men who expected her to look after them or were in awe of her success. She would stay in relationships that were neither right nor healthy, even when she knew they had no future, but it was better than being alone.
How she felt
She was ruled by perfectionism, self-denial and became exhausted trying to work and live to such high standards all the time. She was running herself into the ground trying to do everything herself and rarely asked for support. When, reluctantly, she did ask for support she couldn’t seem to get it. She couldn’t get people to hear her or, at the end of her tether, she would express herself in anger and frustration which alienated people. She struggled with feelings of isolation and felt depressed.
How Calling in “The One” worked for her
In her work in Calling in “The One”, Amanda discovered that she always felt she was alone and believed others would eventually leave her. She truly believed that she could not get what she needed and wanted from others. With support from her coach, she questioned these old core beliefs about herself and discovered that others can be here for her to the extent that she can let them into her life. She realised that she was here to love and be loved in return and that she could learn new ways of being with herself and relating to others to develop honest, warm, meaningful relationships that would become richer and deeper with time. As a consequence, she was able to share herself with others and ask for support in ways which were inviting. She was much more open to receiving love, more able to see the love that was around her. She started attracting more emotionally mature men who could relate to her on a feeling level and were much more her equal.
Amanda’s life now
Amanda has been dating a really lovely man for ten months now, has been able to soften into his loving care and they are planning and beginning to build a future together.
Susan is a divorced mother of two. She has had two acrimonious divorces for which she felt responsible and very ashamed. She felt guilty that neither of her children’s fathers would have anything to do with her or them. She was afraid of getting involved with anyone ever again.
Susan’s old beliefs and ways of being
Susan came to the realisation that she felt she was a bad, selfish person, that others were always angry with her and that she would be punished when she was not “good”. She could see that she took far too much responsibility in relationships, blamed herself and often even felt responsible when others behaved badly towards her. She realised she would over commit to try to try and be good but would then let others down because she hadn’t the resources to deliver on the promises she’d made. This disappointed and irritated others and they lost trust in her. She then beat herself up and constantly resolve to “try harder” next time. She had lots of inner “shoulds” and “oughts”. Susan found it hard to reflect because she was so critical of herself so would see things in black and white, right & wrong.
Calling in “The One” learning
Through the Calling in “The One” coaching process, Susan became compassionate towards herself and was more forgiving of her own shortcomings. She learned to accept them without judgement and shame. She realised that other adults were perfectly capable of being responsible for their own choices and the consequences. She stopped giving others the power to decide whether she was a good person and came to measure her sense of her own goodness by her willingness to learn from her mistakes and to make up for them whenever she could.
Susan’s attitude and approach
Susan’s relationship with herself and others has changed massively. She now welcomes feedback from others and reflects for herself upon what might be true in what they say, but now holds her own authority within herself. She is much more able to keep her word and to be accountable if she needs to change her mind without it becoming catastrophic.
Susan is more realistic in her expectations of herself so she isn’t always falling short and failing in her own mind. She is much kinder and encouraging in how she speaks to herself, letting herself learn from her failures and mistakes, rather than painfully shaming herself.
Now Susan has much warmer and kinder relationships with others and is much more relaxed in herself, she is much less prickly to be around and as a consequence is enjoying meeting new people and dating, approaching it in a much more light-hearted, self-accepting and welcoming way. She recognises she has more work to do but now feels she has the skills and capacities to meet it in full.
Names have been changed for confidentiality