When we set a heartfelt intention, whether it’s to create deeper love, true partnership, or a life more aligned with who we really are, the Universe listens. It responds with exquisite precision, orchestrating experiences that invite us to rise into the version of ourselves who can hold that vision of how to create new love.
Sometimes, what shows up doesn’t look like love at all. It may feel like heartache, confusion, rejection, or disappointment. But underneath, it is love in disguise. It is an invitation to heal, grow, and release the old stories that have quietly shaped how we relate to ourselves and others. Often, this means being called to gently meet the traumas that seeded these patterns in the first place.
What Is Trauma, Really?
Trauma isn’t only about big, recognisable events. It is anything that overwhelmed our ability to cope or understand at the time. When something feels too much and there is no one there to guide us through it with care, our nervous system steps in to protect us. We fight, flee, freeze, or fawn. If no one helps us return to safety and meaning, we create our own conclusions about ourselves and the world.
These conclusions are not facts. But they feel like truth.
And so, beliefs take root. “I must not expect too much.” “I shouldn’t trust.” “I am alone.” “I don’t belong.” “I am not good enough.” “I am not worthy.”
These beliefs are not flaws. They are the intelligent responses of a young mind trying to make sense of an overwhelming world. They help us survive, but they do not help us thrive. And in love, they keep us playing small, forgetting we are meant for something much greater.
The Invisible Blueprint
These early adaptations shape our choices without us realising. We may find ourselves drawn to partners who cannot see or value us. We may settle for relationships that are too tight a fit, like shoes a size too small. We may shrink ourselves, dim our light, or overgive in the hope that love might finally be earned.
If this feels familiar, please know that you are not broken. You are not too much. You are not unworthy. You are a deeply feeling being who had to adapt. And now, life is offering you a way back to the truth of who you are.
Big T and Little t: The Spectrum of Trauma
Trauma lives on a wide spectrum. Big T traumas include dramatic events like illness, abandonment, violence, or sudden changes that shook our world. These are easier to recognise.
But many of us carry what is known as little t trauma. Emotional neglect is one of the most common and most invisible forms. Our parents may have loved us dearly and done their best. But if they were not attuned to our emotional world, we may have grown up feeling unseen and misunderstood.
Most people of our parents’ generation were not taught emotional intelligence. They worked hard, kept the house going, and provided what they could. But many were not equipped to meet their children emotionally. This isn’t about blame. It’s about understanding the context in which we formed our beliefs.
When emotional needs go unmet, we often learn to turn away from ourselves. We ignore our feelings, our desires, even our dreams. This is how the pattern continues.
Are You Living From a Trauma Place?
Begin to observe your inner world with compassion. Ask yourself:
- Do you avoid things that would help you thrive because you fear failure, rejection, or being seen?
- Do you silence your desires because they feel selfish or unrealistic?
- Do you repeatedly choose partners who are not available or not nurturing?
- Do you undercharge, play small in your business, or avoid being visible?
These patterns often begin as protection. But over time, they become cages. Listen to the voice in your head. Does it shame you, criticise you, or tell you that you are not enough? That you don’t deserve what you long for?
You may also notice behaviours like procrastination, people-pleasing, or using food, spending, or other distractions to self-soothe. These are often ways we cope with the discomfort of living out old patterns that no longer serve us.
Healing Begins with Consciousness and Compassion
Healing begins when we become lovingly aware.
Notice when you are hard on yourself instead of being on your own side. Start to cultivate a voice inside you that is kind, truthful, and encouraging. You might begin to recall younger versions of yourself who experienced pain and overwhelm. Can you go back to them with gentleness? Can you offer them the comfort they needed at the time?
This work is hard to do alone. It helps deeply to walk this path with someone you trust. A witness. A guide. Someone who can hold space as you share your story and begin to see the patterns more clearly. They can help you name what has been unconscious and bring it into the light. Together, you can make sense of how the past still shapes the present, and slowly begin to loosen its grip.
Creating the Inner Ground for Love
At the heart of this process is developing a warm, firm, and compassionate inner presence. One that hears your emotions, honours your needs, and encourages your dreams. One that helps you make new choices.
When this voice grows strong, everything changes.
You can begin to choose love that fits you. Work that reflects your gifts. Friendships that nourish you. You will naturally move towards people and situations that match your new sense of worth. The world begins to reflect back the love you are learning to give yourself.
A Word on the Divine
If you believe in something greater than yourself, whether that is God, Source, or Life itself, this relationship can also be part of your healing. But be aware that the way you relate to the Divine often mirrors how you experienced your early caregivers. If you felt abandoned or unseen as a child, you may find those feelings arise in your spiritual life too.
Healing these patterns can help you feel more supported and connected, both spiritually and emotionally.
This journey is about remembering who you truly are beneath the old stories. It is about creating new love by coming home to yourself. By learning to listen deeply. By gently unravelling what no longer serves you and planting new seeds of truth, kindness, and courage.
In my next post, I will share some practical next steps for rewiring these patterns and building the inner safety that love requires.
If this resonates and you would like to explore further, I would love to hear your story.
Please reach out to me to book a discovery call here.
With love,
Heather
My name is Heather Garbutt and I send you my love and wish you every success in the search for your true love. If you would like guidance on attracting, true, committed and healthy romantic love, contact now me on Heather@heathergarbutt.com.