What are the origins of the Honeymoon Phase
The idea of a honeymoon phase has surprisingly deep roots. It’s part of our cultural history and is how Hollywood and modern society tells us we create new relationships. Let’s look at How to Successfully Navigate The Honeymoon Phase
The word itself comes from an old English expression, hony moone, dating back to the 1500s. “Honey” referred to sweetness or bliss, and “moon” to how quickly it wanes. The implication is that the early joy of marriage might fade as the moon does as it passes from full to darkness. In medieval Europe, it was also common for newlyweds to drink mead, the alcoholic drink made from honey, for about a month after the wedding. It was thought to bring fertility and good luck. That month became the “honey-moon.”
We all love a honeymoon phase. When we meet someone and fall in love we tend to idealise them and think they are the absolute best person for us. It’s a kind of intoxication in itself.
How long does the honeymoon phase last? Why only that long?
’d guess the honeymoon phase lasts anywhere from six months to two years, depending on the personalities of the couple involved. For couples in long-distance relationships, it can stretch longer because separation increases longing and anticipation. The old saying of “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” applies here. When you quickly move in together, you may move more quickly into the attachment stage.
The transition itself can often be quite subtle. The urgent excitement eases a little and the constant thrill gives way to a greater sense of calm, safety and predictability. On an emotional level, we stop idealising the other person and begin to see them for who they really are. We see their flaws and eccentricities. We have time to reality check. Often couples find this hard to negotiate and may even think they have fallen out of love.
This is where the “working at it” part of relating comes to the fore. You’ll see differences and find yourselves needing to address conflicts. This is where you lay the foundations for a healthy relationship going forwards. It’s when the ordinary rhythm of life interferes with the holiday feel of intense romance.
At this time, each partner may begin to revisit other parts of their lives and self and feel the need for more autonomy. This transition of holding connection without clinging too tight is an essential phase. You may each need your individual interests to feed your soul. You discover you are not everything for each other.
When handled with awareness, curiosity and love, couples can go through this transition and enter into true intimacy. It’s moving into a love that isn’t fuelled by projection but by choice. It’s where we begin to build trust, establish shared values and make a secure attachment.
What are the signs that your honeymoon phase is coming to an end?
You can usually feel the honeymoon phase softening before it’s blatantly obvious. It’s less about something being wrong and much more about the initial chemistry maturing into something more lasting or you are reviewing if this relationship is right for you. Things that you could turn a blind eye to in the throes of romance may mean more in a cooler light of day and you might be deciding if you really like the other person, if they share your values and treat you and others as you’d wish.
If you choose to go forward together, you’ll find you’re not obsessing over each other quite as much and can focus on other areas of life again. Communication, text exchanges and dates feel comfortable rather than super-charged. You’re settling into your relationship patterns. It can be that quirks you once found endearing can start to grate.
This isn’t necessarily something to worry about. It could just the beginning of seeing each other more fully and you are beginning to create the reciprocal adjustments a relationship needs. You’re more likely to experience conflicts as you thrash out differences in values, habits or communication styles.
You will need to decide if the relationship is tenable or it’s time to stop. If you decide to go ahead together, you create a new flow and norm. You may begin looking for a deeper kind of connection over the early constant excitement. It can feel like a loss, but it’s actually the bridge to authentic partnership and you truly begin to love each other.
How can couples handle the transition more easily?
It’s important to talk and keep regular date nights for discussing your relationship and catching any issues before they get too big. You’re deepening connection and trust as you talk and negotiate your differences and establish common values and life goals. Having fun together is still very important. Don’t just settle into the humdrum. Plan adventures that can more than fill the lost excitement. You could travel, learn new things, eat different food, try new sports or cultural interests, whatever floats your boats.
Keep the channels of communication open by being curious about what each other thinks and feels. Make sure it’s more than exchanging information. Try some of these questions to open the conversation. “What are you each excited by? Inspired by? Challenged by? Motivated by? What do you want over the next year? What do you want more of/less of?”
When disagreements arise, and they will, use them to understand each other rather than try to dominate, control or win. Do you want to love and be loved or be endlessly right and leave no room for the other person? Remember too, that making a repair can often be even more powerful than constant harmony and can ensure space for both of you.
As you settle into a calmer emotional state together, it’s still key to be affectionate towards each other to maintain connection. Looking into each other’s eyes, hand-holding, frequent hugs and gentle humour all create warmth and loving feelings. It’s also important to understand each other’s love languages so you know how to give and receive love so it’s expressed and felt by each of you.
Your regular date nights will give you the chance to evaluate and plan as you go. Some questions you could begin with “What kind of memories or experiences would you like us to create next? How do you feel most connected?” It could be through words, touch, shared time, or something else? “What helps you feel safe when we disagree or misunderstand each other? What does long-term love look like to you?” This process will keep your hearts open and help each of you to feel seen, heard and understood as you settle together into a lifetime of love.
If you would like support to make this real in your life, I can help. I work with clients to calm old patterns, strengthen the Wise Adult and choose love that is steady and nourishing.
Get in touch: heather@heathergarbutt.com
or please reach out to me to book a discovery call here.
With love,
Heather
My name is Heather Garbutt and I send you my love and wish you every success in the search for your true love. If you would like guidance on attracting, true, committed and healthy romantic love, contact now me on Heather@heathergarbutt.com.