Before we can choose well in love, we need to grow the part of us that makes healthy choices. If we choose from our most vulnerable parts, we repeat old patterns. If we choose from a clear, conscious adult self, we create relationships that are kind, steady and life-giving.
An early script that shaped my choices
When I was about seven, my teacher, Mrs Atkinson, would line us around the classroom for mental arithmetic and spellings. If you made a mistake, you had to sit down. My heart would race as my turn crept closer. I was bright, yet I was often one of the first to sit. She could be explosive, and the sarcasm stung.
From that small girl’s point of view, I absorbed a painful story: “I am not capable, I am not safe, it is better to stay small and quiet.” If I allowed that part of me to choose partners, I would be drawn to people who either infantilise me or bully me. Neither is love.
Meet your inner cast
• The Little One
Holds early fears and protective strategies. She needs soothing, not the steering wheel.
• The Internal Authorities
Echoes of teachers, parents or other adults whose words made you feel small. They do not have jurisdiction now.
• The Wise Adult
Present, grounded and discerning. This is the self who chooses well.
Your work is to bring the Little One with you, reassure her, and kindly seat her in the passenger seat while your Wise Adult drives. You can also speak back to those internal authorities: “You did not know better then. You have no power here now. I know I am capable, wholesome, beautiful and safe.”
Why wounded choosing goes wrong
If you choose from the frightened child, you tend to pick a partner who needs looking after or a partner who dominates. The result is power over, not power with. Even if no harm is intended, the imbalance invites hurt.
What wise choosing looks like
From your Wise Adult, name what you want and then assess whether a prospective partner can truly offer it.
Name your essentials
A committed romantic relationship that is lasting, monogamous, trustworthy, respectful, reliable, affectionate and aligned with your values.
Ask clear questions
• Are they emotionally and practically available, or entangled elsewhere
• Do their actions match their words over time
• Are they solvent and responsible with money
• Is their life relatively drama free
• Do they relate as an equal, or do they seek to be looked after or to be in charge
• Are they kind, consistent and capable in their own life
• Do they share core values that matter to you
If the answers are not a genuine yes, honour that data. Your Wise Adult believes what is real, not what is wished for.
A short daily practise to strengthen your Wise Adult
1. Reassure the Little One
Hand on heart, say: “I love you. You are safe with me. You are bright and capable. I will advocate for you.”
2. Release old authorities
Write a brief note to any internal critic: “You do not have jurisdiction here. I choose what is true now.”
3. Clarify values
List your top five non-negotiables in love. Keep the list where you can see it.
4. Date with a boundary
For the first three dates, observe. Gather facts, keep your pace, and let your values lead.
Choose power with, not power over
Healthy love is companionship between equals. When your Wise Adult chooses, you are far more likely to find a partner who meets you in mutual care, respect and delight.
If you would like support to make this real in your life, I can help. I work with clients to calm old patterns, strengthen the Wise Adult and choose love that is steady and nourishing.
Get in touch: heather@heathergarbutt.com
or please reach out to me to book a discovery call here.
With love,
Heather
My name is Heather Garbutt and I send you my love and wish you every success in the search for your true love. If you would like guidance on attracting, true, committed and healthy romantic love, contact now me on Heather@heathergarbutt.com.