Part three of our series on understanding the connections between early childhood care and romantic relationships is all about the secure attachment style.
Someone with a secure attachment style is very different from the anxious and avoidant. You are much more likely to be calm, thoughtful, and discerning about who you are in a relationship with, and how you treat yourself.
Your level of self-respect and contentment is likely to be much higher, as you’re a more social, confident, and warm person. You will make your romantic choices out of desire, rather than pressure or a feeling of desperate need.
Secure attachment is born from a childhood with nurturing responsive parents that have created a warm loving environment.
From this safe secure place, your feelings are very different than those in an anxious or avoidant attachment style, for example:
- You assume that others will be for there you when you need them to be, and you easily reach out for comfort and connection when you need it.
- You assume that the people you are close to will care about you and prioritize your feelings and needs, if and when you express them.
- You are comfortable being emotionally intimate with a few select others who you connect with on a regular, and consistent basis.
- You don’t worry that you are going to be betrayed or abandoned by those you are close to. Nor do you tend to betray or abandon others.
- You are reliable, consistent, and fundamentally trustworthy, and assume that those you are close to are trustworthy as well.
- You’re able to address people head-on, if and when they fail to extend empathy to you, without breaking the bond you have with them.
- You use your close relationships to help provide you with emotional balance.
- You’re able to move fluidly between times of inter-dependence and times of autonomy, recognizing both states as fundamentally trustworthy and good.
- In response to being disappointed or hurt, you tend to reach out to try to repair the rift in your relationship, rather than become defensive, put-up walls, and/or withdraw from the relationship.
In short, you feel fundamentally worthy of giving and receiving love.
For those reading this who recognise themselves in the secure attachment, I am so happy to know you are in a wonderful place. And for those that are reading this and long for the feeling of self-worth and secure feelings in a romantic relationship, this is something you can still develop.
Love and relationship coaching can help. As a love and relationship coach, I tend to be future-focused, taking into account your early life but not dwelling there. You will be encouraged to really look at the sort of relationship you want in your life and how you can empower yourself to achieve it.
There are many online questionnaires about attachment styles. www.attachmentstyleproject.com offers a free one. Or, if you want to read more about the subject, look up “Attached”, a book by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel. S. F. Heller. In the book there is an extensive questionnaire and information on how to grow into a more secure style.
I’d also like to invite you to join our Calling in The One Facebook Group, where you will find other useful discussion points: