Have you ever had your feelings, needs, thoughts, beliefs or ideas ignored, dismissed or invalidated in a relationship?
Have you ever felt undervalued, not worth caring for, not good enough, all alone, despite being in a relationship?
Have you ever been betrayed, abandoned, abused in a relationship?
Have you ever felt that you had to be the one who made everything alright emotionally, that the other person had all the power, was the one who was hard done to, and you were the one with issues, who had to change, had all the responsibility for making the relationship work?
This is not an exclusive list of the traumas that can happen as a consequence of imbalanced relationships, but they are some of the most easily recognisable ones. If these are you, it’s time to change the pattern, to write yourself new love story, to grow beyond self-sacrifice, people-pleasing, shape-shifting to fit in because you don’t feel good enough or worthy of a healthy, loving equal relationship.
It might be hard to believe, but it’s my experience that women of calibre often choose men who are not their equals and try and shoehorn themselves into a much too small relationship. They will contort themselves to try and be acceptable to a man who does not share their values, is likely less mature emotionally and in the world. They often view themselves as emotional rescuers, sacrificing themselves for the sake of the other. This is what happens if you are an evolved and empathic, sensitive woman. You are prone to denying that you have emotional needs which really need to be fulfilled. You prioritise the others needs and get your self-esteem vicariously.
Please don’t give yourself grief if this is you. It’s the legacy of lifetimes of women from times before we were able to be autonomous in the world. We needed to please our man to have any sort of safety for ourselves and for our children on the most practical levels. In those days, we would exchange loving care, support and sex for protection, being provided for and to have children in a way sanctioned by society. We chose on the grounds of practicality rather than affinity. Our grandmothers and mothers usually stayed with their partners, regardless of how they were treated. It was likely the way of the world. We can still find ourselves living from this old paradigm, feeling that we have to fit in and subsume ourselves and prioritise the man.
We have been brought up in an era of emotional neglect. Up until recently, most parents didn’t really realise that their children had emotional needs that they could meet. These needs are for expressed love, attention, emotional support through listening and physical touch, problem-solving together, practical support, warm, kindly accountability, and ongoing support with whatever the issue is.
In addition, each child needs to feel believed in, valued and planned for, having their ambitions, thoughts, feelings, and desires, validated and provided for.
As empathic women, this is what we often fall into providing for our partners. We try to provide all that may have been missing in their early lives. Likely, we have both had developmental trauma in our lives. There will be some sort of mirror even if it is unconscious.
Often women will deny their needs and see them in other people. The culture supports that. It’s our mission as women to pay attention to, validate and take action in accordance with our own feelings, needs, desires and ambitions. This is no small thing to do, because it requires us shifting from the identity of caregiver, which has probably been both to give us self-esteem supporting and as a perceived survival mechanism. This means that it made us feel safe when we looked after everybody else and gave us some kudos because we did so.
The good news is that the new identity can easily be taught and learned and over a relatively short time. In 3 to 6 months, you could be choosing a partner from a much healthier place in yourself, your life, and your world.
If you are seeking a true love relationship, choose Calling in The One. This program will help you identify your patterns in love, reach down to the roots of them and radically change them forever. You will be choosing your love partner from a position of strength and clarity, seeking your equal, and someone who truly shares your values.
