I was recently quoted in an article on Cosmopolitan online about mono-manic dating, which you can view online here: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/relationships/a35346157/mono-manic-dating/
You can read my full article explaining mono-manic dating below:
In dating, it’s quite common for people to look for particular physical characteristics. This comes from a sexual preference, what is desirable in our culture or social group, what is familiar or different to you in your family background or what a particular image means for you. The classic, tall, dark and handsome image can mean protection for some, ravishing for others, capable for others still. There are any number of interpretations and associations to particular images and it’s the meaning we make of these things that is key to us. If romance only comes in a blonde and blue-eyed package for you, then that is because it’s what that image means for you. It’s a bit of a closed loop.
For example, romance cannot exist outside the blonde and blue-eyed package and anything other than blonde and blue-eyed is not considered romantic.
It could be useful if you find yourself fixating on one particular type, to ask yourself what that image conveys to you. Look at pictures of other types and just note down what they suggest to you. The more you can make conscious, the more conscious decisions you can make based on reality rather than fantasy.
In truth, the best partner for you may not come in the form that you expect. And the more we rely on those old patterns of perception, the more likely we are to choose a partner from appearance rather than their good qualities. It’s really important to form a clear picture of the characteristics you want to experience in a partner. Do you want loyalty, affection, fidelity, care, support, excitement, humour, intelligence, to name but a few. Do you want them to share some interests with you so that there’s always a point of connection? These could be in sport, dancing, food, countryside or city living, love of animals, art. It could be what they want from life is very important to you. There may be particular deal breakers like whether or not they have children, want children, have emotional intelligence, can take responsibility for themselves, have any active addictions, are capable with money. Do they share core values with you? Are the same things important to them that are to you?
Ask yourself how you want to feel in a relationship and really imagine yourself there. You might like to write it down, where you are what you’re doing, who is around you, what is your life like together? Really focus on this and then each person you meet, check out if they make you feel like this. If they make you feel anxious, that you have to shape yourself around them to be acceptable, that they want things and push for things that you’re not ready to give, they are not in it for relationship, but for what they can get out of you.
When you meet someone new, go slowly. Get to know each other gradually. Build trust over time. When we can meet in person again, check out if their words match their behaviour. Observe with kindly curiosity and listen to your body – is it feeling relaxed and at ease in this persons company or are you on edge, on best behaviour, performing, fearing a critical gaze. Are they interested in you? Is the conversation 50-50 speaking or all about them? Over time share interests, values, life visions, challenges, all in little bite-size pieces. Avoid the painful stuff like divorces until you really know them better and see if they are trustworthy.
Do you want somebody who is beautiful on the inside or just someone who looks like your ideal image, a man or woman rather than a manikin?